Johnny’s BAND of BASTARDS consists of:
Johnny NoLight – vocals, guitar, nudity
Jimothy NoLight – guitar, vocals, nudity
Melvin Blooh – bass, slightly more nudity
Haw Kye, Sr. Jr. – drums, percussion, extreme nudity
THE LEGEND:
Johnny NoLight is a turd; the best kind of turd. No wiping is required…unless of course that’s a hobby of yours. Johnny was raised by a flock of bald eagles which early on instilled in him a true sense of American pride and patriotic passion. In the early 80s he created a fashion line of male brief undergarments made solely from pure deer hide. Unfortunately, the line of briefs was unsuccessful due to his neglect in removing the antlers of the deer, thus causing the men who wore them to appear to have at minimum 6 to 12 boners at any given time. After the devastation of a failed fashonista career, Johnny focused urinary energy on that which mattered most to him: America, nudity and booze. He returned home to the eagle’s nest where he was raised and spent some time in solitude somewhere along the Appalachian trail. No one really knows exactly where he went, but they do know that he was completely nude the entire duration. He found comfort and friendship in approximately 50 shitloads of bottles of booze. He painted his entire naked body in red, white and blue. He rode bareback on a moose for 14 months straight sniping his pray with a hand made crossbow whittled from mastodon bones that he excavated from a backpacking trip to Alaska at age 3. Then, he got black out drunk and woke up yesterday.
